What's next?

There's purposefully a question mark in there -- it's deliberately a question not a statement, because in many ways we're at a time of wondering, questioning, anticipating, and generally entering into more uncertainty in some areas. And that's not all bad in any way, it just -- well -- is.

When I first started to blog while we were out in Cleveland it was mostly for me - so I could have an outlet for whatever I felt or experienced apart from the information disseminating functions I was serving in my substitute capacity at M's blog. It was wonderful and always a bit surprising to know that family and friends were reading, left me messages, or talked about the blog with me. And all of it communicated support to me in many ways that I became so grateful for, and sometimes dependent on. Now that we're past the "hold-your-breath" days, the waiting, the hospital problems it's more mundane topics here. I have no idea if anyone's still really following now that I'm not talking about my nightcaps, my battles with housekeeping, M's foibles with hospital food services, or the silly things I do when I'm stupid-tired.  Because, ya know, mall-walking is oh so very scintillating!  ;-)   


But for this one at least, it's back to more about me spewing thoughts on a "page". 


I can't believe it's been nearly a full 6 weeks since the surgery. How on earth did that go so fast? Really, it seems both like it was not long ago that we were in Cleveland forever for all the prep, tests, surgery and post-op. And at same time like it's been a lifetime since then. Maybe it's because he's progressed so well and so relatively quickly. Or maybe it's because I thankfully have no reference points on this so what seems fast to me may in fact be relatively normal for someone his age and with this procedure. For sure it's less taxing in many ways than a bypass, there's only the one surgical site to deal with and recover from. And since the whole point of the procedure is to get more oxygenated blood flowing out of the heart, he's naturally looking and feeling better than before.  D'uh. Is why he had the dang surgery. So perhaps this 'quick' recovery is actually quite expected. In any case it's so very good and relieving. Maybe like M didn't fully realize how awful he felt or bad he was getting because it was such a gradual decline, I didn't realize how worried or stressed I was for him because it was gradual - because all along he could still do so many things, still worked, still played golf. He just didn't do any of it the way he wanted, or was capable, and he was so so damn tired all the time. And so I worried, and wondered, and wished I could do more, or just something. But at the same time I had other worries.


So as someone told me recently, now that the surgery has been so successful, and he's looking so much better, feeling better, feeling ready to tackle things and work back to a fuller life -- there's a hole in me that used to be filled with worry or anxiety over him and his condition that can now be filled with other things. (no, not other worries specifically -- those are in other places!)
I can't even really put into words how relieved I am that he's doing so well, that his short term and long term future look so much brighter. That our time together can be richer, fuller, more active, more fun, and longer.


And yet .... 


And yet there's also this weird feeling I'm fighting or dealing with because the end of his convalescence, such as it was, is here. He's been cleared to ride up front (and has been -- and has relished in this, and his renewed access to the radio and climate controls), he's cleared to drive -- although as he's mentioned, I've been oddly reluctant to let him do so. Perhaps because it's the last "nurse-y" thing I can do for him. He's been so self-sufficient and needing little help since release from the Clinic that I'm more Chauffeur Jane Fuzzy Wuzzy. I know I've been able to help, and been supportive, and he's been great -- so, so great! -- about letting me know how much he appreciates it and loves me. But at the same time I kept wishing I could do more. Could look after him more, take care of him more. And so somehow it seemed like driving became the last line -- the last thing I could really do to take care of him, so I was hesitant to let him start doing it himself.  Silly in many ways, but there it is best as I can analyze it!


And so while he prepares to go back to work, to begin more fully on this next chapter, or returning to a chapter that somehow we deviated from -- I have to start working on beginning a new chapter as well.  Not just relinquishing caretaker duties, or in filling that hole that was used for worrying about him, but new chapters in my own life. Professional/academic foibles and "issues"  (to put it mildly) have been rearing ugly heads at the same time that we came down to pre-surgery and during all the immediate aftermath of post-surgery. M and I have done a lot of talking during this odd but wonderful time off together about next steps, about the curveballs that keep getting thrown my way. So, I'm at personal/professional crossroads --decision making time, evaluating, and generally figuring out -- "what's next?".  


So ... what is next?