What's next?

There's purposefully a question mark in there -- it's deliberately a question not a statement, because in many ways we're at a time of wondering, questioning, anticipating, and generally entering into more uncertainty in some areas. And that's not all bad in any way, it just -- well -- is.

When I first started to blog while we were out in Cleveland it was mostly for me - so I could have an outlet for whatever I felt or experienced apart from the information disseminating functions I was serving in my substitute capacity at M's blog. It was wonderful and always a bit surprising to know that family and friends were reading, left me messages, or talked about the blog with me. And all of it communicated support to me in many ways that I became so grateful for, and sometimes dependent on. Now that we're past the "hold-your-breath" days, the waiting, the hospital problems it's more mundane topics here. I have no idea if anyone's still really following now that I'm not talking about my nightcaps, my battles with housekeeping, M's foibles with hospital food services, or the silly things I do when I'm stupid-tired.  Because, ya know, mall-walking is oh so very scintillating!  ;-)   


But for this one at least, it's back to more about me spewing thoughts on a "page". 


I can't believe it's been nearly a full 6 weeks since the surgery. How on earth did that go so fast? Really, it seems both like it was not long ago that we were in Cleveland forever for all the prep, tests, surgery and post-op. And at same time like it's been a lifetime since then. Maybe it's because he's progressed so well and so relatively quickly. Or maybe it's because I thankfully have no reference points on this so what seems fast to me may in fact be relatively normal for someone his age and with this procedure. For sure it's less taxing in many ways than a bypass, there's only the one surgical site to deal with and recover from. And since the whole point of the procedure is to get more oxygenated blood flowing out of the heart, he's naturally looking and feeling better than before.  D'uh. Is why he had the dang surgery. So perhaps this 'quick' recovery is actually quite expected. In any case it's so very good and relieving. Maybe like M didn't fully realize how awful he felt or bad he was getting because it was such a gradual decline, I didn't realize how worried or stressed I was for him because it was gradual - because all along he could still do so many things, still worked, still played golf. He just didn't do any of it the way he wanted, or was capable, and he was so so damn tired all the time. And so I worried, and wondered, and wished I could do more, or just something. But at the same time I had other worries.


So as someone told me recently, now that the surgery has been so successful, and he's looking so much better, feeling better, feeling ready to tackle things and work back to a fuller life -- there's a hole in me that used to be filled with worry or anxiety over him and his condition that can now be filled with other things. (no, not other worries specifically -- those are in other places!)
I can't even really put into words how relieved I am that he's doing so well, that his short term and long term future look so much brighter. That our time together can be richer, fuller, more active, more fun, and longer.


And yet .... 


And yet there's also this weird feeling I'm fighting or dealing with because the end of his convalescence, such as it was, is here. He's been cleared to ride up front (and has been -- and has relished in this, and his renewed access to the radio and climate controls), he's cleared to drive -- although as he's mentioned, I've been oddly reluctant to let him do so. Perhaps because it's the last "nurse-y" thing I can do for him. He's been so self-sufficient and needing little help since release from the Clinic that I'm more Chauffeur Jane Fuzzy Wuzzy. I know I've been able to help, and been supportive, and he's been great -- so, so great! -- about letting me know how much he appreciates it and loves me. But at the same time I kept wishing I could do more. Could look after him more, take care of him more. And so somehow it seemed like driving became the last line -- the last thing I could really do to take care of him, so I was hesitant to let him start doing it himself.  Silly in many ways, but there it is best as I can analyze it!


And so while he prepares to go back to work, to begin more fully on this next chapter, or returning to a chapter that somehow we deviated from -- I have to start working on beginning a new chapter as well.  Not just relinquishing caretaker duties, or in filling that hole that was used for worrying about him, but new chapters in my own life. Professional/academic foibles and "issues"  (to put it mildly) have been rearing ugly heads at the same time that we came down to pre-surgery and during all the immediate aftermath of post-surgery. M and I have done a lot of talking during this odd but wonderful time off together about next steps, about the curveballs that keep getting thrown my way. So, I'm at personal/professional crossroads --decision making time, evaluating, and generally figuring out -- "what's next?".  


So ... what is next?




 

Cross another mall off the list

Finally got some extended time out and away from the house today after the "snomeggadon" or "snowpocalypse" or whatever the weather dudes and dudettes were calling it.  Not that we're completely dug out. I'm just one person, and with a finicky snowblower and not great back, there's only just so much snow I can haul, push, shovel, blow, etc in the one day. And yesterday I was too damn sore from snow "wrangling --  as a friend put it -- that I couldn't do more. So my car remains trapped. Seriously, quite trapped in quite a lot of snow still. And there's only one escape chute out of the end of the piles at the end of the driveway (4ft piles mind you -- gee thanks Mr Plowmen). It's much easier getting out of the driveway than in. I didn't quite think of that when I managed the hole just wide enough for Michael's AWD Venza. D'OH! 

But nevertheless we got out, went out to dinner last night as we were getting cabin feverish, and went out today for breakfast, and to a mall for M to walk because we've been slug like since the snow. Ok, well, I was definitely not slug-like on the day after snow-day, but I was yesterday. Recouping. And so we needed to get back to the walking routine especially after he'd been so good and doing so well up in Boston. So we hit a mall today and can add or cross yet another local mall off the list. And naturally had to also stop for more caffeine beverages. He's decided he likes DD coffee just fine and it's cheaper than Megabucks, but I'm not sold as I've had both lattes that were sickeningly sweet and then overly burnt and not sweet at all, so I'm still probably gonna want my caramel lattes from somewhere other than DD. And we stopped to pick up some last minute food stuff for a big family dinner as M's cousins are in town from KS and the others came over too and it was a wild, woolly, wacky time with all the kiddos running around, and Olympics watching, and cookie baking, and catching up. I'm exhausted just from having watched it all whirl around me! 


M's really doing better, although today was one of the 'bad' pain days -- they still come and go. And while he's cleared to drive I kind of haven't really let him yet. Having issues there that probably will be a separate post. I don't know why. But he's thrilled to be back up in the front seat -- although he also admits that it was secretly quite cool and neat to have his own personal chauffeur these past many weeks.  And I won't even get into whether I have my own personal issues over fact that he's likely headed back to work toward end of this coming week. Although he may work from home some, it all just seems so soon even though I know it's not. Where on earth have 6 weeks gone??!!  And how will he ever survive those hours at work without any PlayStation Baseball?!   ;-) 


Peace
J

Didn't miss THIS snow -- oh my!

The cars & our street are out there somewhere. Today's snow on top of weekend's snow and it's still coming down. Sometimes it comes sideways.
Suffice it to say no schlepping of patient or caretaker any where, no malls, no grocery, and lord knows when I'll get out there to try snowblowing or if I have enough gas. Hmmmm. Oh well.
Be warm!
J

Update - 2/11
It did indeed keep coming down all day, all night nearly - at some point blowing and sticking vertically to the siding and entire front of the house like spray-on foam insulation or something. Never seen anything like that -- and I've been through avalanches in the French Alps. This is the most snow I've seen in probably close to 20 yrs and that trip to the Alps. The snow at the end of our driveway is up to my armpits. There are drifts around the cars nearly to my hips.  In the updated photo you can barely see the cars wheels compared to yesterday afternoon's shot.  I think if there was an emergency or M needed to get out of house for any patient related things, or I had to get medicine, or more gas for my picky, finicky, trantrum-prone snowblower (very likely) we could get out through the hole I've dug and plowed at end of driveway. It isn't pretty, nor very big, but it would work and so would the AWD on the Venza ---  I hope. 

 

Missed the snow ... sort of

Who knew that by going further north, we'd escape the snow. Nary a flake has been seen up here. We kinda forgot about the possibility of impending snow since we weren't at home listening to the mega-news coverage (sorry Jason!) Now I finally look at news online (hey, up here with a toddler and a recovering heart patient -- computer time is limited!) and see Philly set ANOTHER historic snow record. Oh great. Now I'm not sure how we're gonna get into our own driveway when we return. Hopefully since our area mostly missed the record snowfall that the city and Jersey got hit with we'll be ok. 

And I really really really should've found time last week between mall walks to get the snowblower returned from the shop where it's been since December. D'OH!! 

Peace -- and stay warm wherever you may be!

J

He's gaining on me

Michael was getting the rehabbing patient's version of "cabin fever" and desperately wanted new malls to walk in (and I wanted to not drive to 3 more counties looking to hit every one in greater Philly). So we decamped and have come to visit my brother & sister-in- law and nearly 3yr old nephew. It doesn't hurt that we may miss Philly's 2nd "epic" snowstorm of the season. (Yah, how sick is that - going nearly 300 miles further NORTH reduced chance of snow & Carolinas, VA & DC gonna get smacked)

Great new mall today & M is now just showing off. He's power walking laps at the mall. Hello, I didn't get dressed this morning with sweating out at the mall in mind. Nor do I apparently have proper footwear for keeping up with our new speed demon. So, it being a mall & ostensibly a place to buy items, we figured I could perchance buy new footwear. Been years since I bought sneakers, but how hard could this be - there's even a Lady Footlocker, a place with sneakers for chicks like me, right??!!

WRONG! Only for chicks with dainty little feet. And ones who somehow must need glittter, sparkle, shiny, or pink as attributes contributing to true sneaker performance. Nothing wide. Ok, one uglyass white NB boat of a shoe suitable only for jog suit wearing couch potato mall walkers ...

Oh, never mind...

We tried other sports gear store, they didn't even have more than 4 shoes for chicks on their wall-o-shoes. Whatever.

The search will go on as I need to be able to keep up with the new bionic, supercharged M.

Peace

J

This one's for Joan

This is a post I meant to put up at the end of our stay in Cleveland or at least right after we got home but kept forgetting to do -- gee, imagine that, I don't know what I could've been doing instead.

Anyway, my dear friend Joan is an art historian and all-around art guru by original training and spent years working with visual resources before recently becoming the super Dr B and is teaching impressionable minds all about libraries. And every day that we were in Cleveland at the Clinic I wandered around, either on purpose for visiting M, or because I needed space from people, or just because my cell phone coverage was so damn bad -- and I looked at all the cool, original art that the Clinic has displayed everywhere. And I thought of Joan and what she would tell me about all the cool stuff and what she'd think of a hospital that had its own art program, complete with a walking Audio Art Tour, distance ed programs, handouts, signs for all the art, and even a gallery area for rotating exhibits and collections. While I didn't have time for the Audio Tour unfortunately (what, this wasn't a vacation after all?? huh), I did at least try to see a few new pieces every day and snap pics of things I found interesting.  And now they're all online for anyone to see -- just keep in mind I took these with the little camera in my Blackberry, and Ansel Adams I'm not.

 

This is "Cleveland Soul", a favorite, and near the main entrance.

I think the Picasa album may also have some shots of the hospital, the amalgam of architecture styles all thrown together in buildings next to each other, and views from M's room of snowy Clinic proper. The giant acrylic and stone cascading wall fountain in front of the main entrance to the cardiac wing was very cool and impressive, especially with the lights on from underneath at night.

So Joan, while you were thinking good and positive thoughts for us -- (even when you were driving thru Cleveland on the way to the aborted faculty meeting in Detroit) -- we were thinking of you too!  :-)

Peace

J

Loaf day

Ok, apparently all that sleep from the weekend, plus what must have been like 10+ hours last night, hasn't quite done the trick. I woke up (when I eventually did ... so much for asking M not to let me sleep like more than X hours or past Y... oof)  with a hoarse voice, headache and general semi-icks. Turned today and its plans for more adventurous grocery shopping and cooking and house work into "loaf day" instead -- sitting around, loafing, playstationing, not going out, lunch from the freezer (the shiny, spiffy, glossy NEW freezer), and dinner from delivery Chinese place.  'Cuz all I really wanted was soup -- and since my bro hasn't been amenable to FedExing me any of his chicken udon broth soup and its glorious unctuous broth to me -- I settled for miso soup.  

Ok and later I caved and had apple brown betty pie.  Plus about a half dozen mugs of hot tea. And a handful of advil.  Well, not all at once. 


And now I'll try sleeping again.  


Oh, and M has decided to stay as far away from my potential germs as possible and has relocated again to the guest room. See, he's doing so damn well and ahead of schedule, and ahead of me, that now it's me who has been run ragged and has to catch up!  Hope for better days later this week as we are trying to make our first post-op extended foray and go to Boston to see our nephew.
And naturally his lovely parents too.  ;-)


Peace
J